The Most Excruciating Decision I've Ever Had to Make

On answering my body's physical demands while consumed with thinking and feeling about the deep loss intertwined.

They called it a choice, but it feels like the end, 
A battle I lost, no way to defend. 
We called it a choice, but it still feels like a theft, 
An ending I fought with all that was left.
They called it a choice, but it wasn’t really mine - 
It is survival, a cruel, final line. 

We’re calling it a choice, but that’s not true,
I’d still give my life to carry you.
Yet piece by piece, I broke, I bled,
Until hope was gone, and dreams lay dead.
My body is breaking, aching, screaming, done,
Yet my heart still whispers, just one… just one.

Still begging for a Hail Mary, I dreamed, I prayed, I bled,
I clung to hope, though it hung by a thread.
There's officially no more waiting, no more time to try,
The doctors said if I don't do this, I could die.
My body is broken, my fate is sealed,
No more children, only wounds to be healed. 

No flicker of hope, no last attempt,
Just emptiness now where dreams used to be kept. 
Seven lives once sparked inside of me,
Only one took breaths, only one I see.
The others slipped through, silent and small,
Gone before I could know them at all.

No rainbow waiting after rain,
Just hollow echoes, endless pain.
I grieve the child I’ll never hold,
A story left forever untold.
A love so deep it aches and burns,
A lesson life gave without returns.

Frozen embryos always in the back of my mind,
Never not wondering what would happen if we returned to the grind.
A mother still, but not likely again,
A door slammed shut I cannot bend. 
A mother still, yet not likely again,
Left with the ache of what should have been then.

I grieve what was, and more-so, what cannot be. 
The missing lives that once grew inside of me. 
And then there's the one that never had a chance 
We never pursued another transfer, too afraid to do the dance. 
I grieve, I remember, I whisper their names,
Haunted by love that still calls but never came.