The Kindest Act I Could Show My Body

On having a power-port placed & no longer relying on peripheral IVs.

I live in a body that I vehemently hate.

I know that I’m supposed to connect to it.

Mind, body, soul alignment.

But what about the betrayal?

The repetitive betrayal?

It’s not so easy to walk away from.

to ignore

to forget

to pretend i don’t see or i can’t remember.

It’s critical today, in the moment of resentment, that I write this note.

The kindest thing I could do for my body

Happened back in 2017.

I had to fight for it, but I was right for it.

And when it was damaged just two years later,

just two weeks after having my miracle baby,

I went in without anesthesia, without pain medication, under the knife

waiting on the cold operating table in a room full of male doctors,

wide awake. listening to their small talk while they sliced me open, removed the broken device, and inserted the current one

When it’s not accessed, all you can see from the outside is a scar.

The device itself is implanted under my skin.

When there’s a needle inserted, I look like a patient.

No matter where I am.

And I was reminded of this last week at my daughter’s dance class, when my v-neck shirt didn’t cover it all the way.

And you know what - that’s okay.

This note is also reminder…

a teensy tiny celebration

that when I could make a choice about my body, I did.

Having a power-port put in my chest

Was the kindest act I could show my body

No more sticks

No more pricks

No more fear that they’ll fail

No more missing treatments

No more ER trips just for dehydration

I have so much more control

I can run IVs at home

And every procedure I get now - from major surgeries to routine scopes to IV ketamine - the general procedure-based anxiety I used to experience has decreased significantly.

There will {hopefully} never again be a day of 8 IV tries.

There will not ever be IV’s in my ankles or my neck again.

The needle will go into the port in my chest, and it will come out of the port in my chest.

For 8 years now, this port has been an access point from the outside in.

For 14 months consistently, it’s been in use daily.

It’s prevented long(er) hospital stays.

Trips to infusion clinics.

Fishing for veins

Multiple attempts at drawing blood or administering medication

And a significant reduction in anger, rage, frustration and loss

It’s even provided some autonomy, especially as I’ve gained the ability to manage and control its usage at home, and hardly rely on an external nurse or scheduler to help.

This port access has also provided me the ability to utilize Iv fluids, nutrients and medication around the clock and as needed, which I’ve been trained to do myself at home. What a huge benefit that has become.

This port was the best gift I gave my body, incase it tries to tell you that I never gave it anything at all.

& I promise, it’ll try to tell you.

Just listen closely enough.

It’ll use it as a list of examples in reminding you that I’ll always be broken.

But I’m here to remind this body today that I cannot and will not apologize for having it placed, for utilizing it as directed, and for maintaining it as safely as possible for as long as possible.

My body is a lot of things - things I am not grateful for.

But this port it was my gift to myself.

It was my ability to be kind.

Forgiving.

Maybe even hopeful.

It has in return partially repaid the favor - in between other moments of trying to burn it all down.

I wonder where I’d be if I hadn’t agreed to this 8 years ago?

I can’t honestly imagine… and I really don’t want to.

So today, I just remind this body, and you, friend, that I did a kind thing for it once. And that that kind thing sometimes needs to be enough to remind me that once and a while this body and I have communicated as necessary, as planned.

I gave it a passageway with safe traveling capabilities, and in return…. it gave me more needs for that opening to exist.

I’m not sure that’s respect, or mutually ensured destruction, but it’s the truthiest truth I’ve got.

If you live with a medical device on or in your body does any of this resonate with you?