Quarantined in the Next Room

Love and emotional vulnerability during the third year of the pandemic

When my now husband I met, we lived in two different states. Deciding to date took time, energy, and a conscious effort - not only to make it work to connect where and when we could in person, but to creatively find ways to learn about each other and grow closer during the mundane parts of every day live even when ours were so separate.

Seven years ago, we finally moved in together and everything felt right with the world, even during the times that is wasn’t. We went on to experience some intense traumas and grief separately and together, most notably in the form of us each losing very close friends to completely preventable deaths, many scares with my health, infertility, new parenthood at the start or the pandemic, miscarriages, and the immeasurably horrific loss of our twins.

Much like every other couple we knew, our love felt a little harder and our trust a little more challenging as the pressures of the outside world trickled further into our home life bubble.

When we got married, we said for better or worse (twice).

We just never knew how intensely consuming the “worse” could be.

Tonight its after midnight and I’m writing to you from my bed, alone, with my nightstand lap alone. My husband is across the hall, asleep in our guest room alone with the door closed. He started not feeling well on Friday night, and yesterday morning his at home C19 test lit up with a very clear positive.

And, while there’s never a good time to get this virus, this season is particularly challenging for our family. I have spent 20 out of the last 41 day in the hospital spanning four separate admissions, desperate for tests and medication and IVs and a plan to resume my life from the time my hiatal hernia began causing undeniable, unavoidable wreckage on my body and my life. Even when I’m here, at home in our house, I’m unfortunately not able to be fully present, many times required to stay horizontal, and definitely unable to fully care for our 4 year old.

My husband and our nanny have filled in in so many wonderful and incredible ways, and they’ve done an amazing job waking our daughter through the big and intense feelings she has, but I certainly wish they didn’t have to.

I also desperately wish I could step in now and provide the same support to my husband and our daughter right now, this week, as he is quarantined and unavailable.

First, I tried explaining that to my toddler.

Daddy’s home but he can’t play or watch you or go with us to the store. You can face time and slide messages under his door but he can’t hug you or put you to bed for five whole days. I know you miss him. I know you want to snuggle. Can you give mommy his hug and kiss instead: I don’t know - we can try facetiming and see if he’s awake. It’s ok to be sad, sweet girl. Mommy’s sad too.

Then, I tried explaining it to myself.

The days post-hospital stay are often intense for me mentally, filled with anxiety attacks, insomnia (ahem), emotional vulnerability, sadness, frustration, anger, long to do lists, and loneliness. And the person I need most to fill that space with security and comfort a) is sick, and emotionally, even via text, doesn’t have much to offer (COMPLETELY understandable) and b) is literally one room over from you, where it would be so easy to open the door and lay down beside him; something that unless I test positive, I can’t even consider doing.

So, where does that leave us after one day of his quarantine?

Exhausted. Sad. Alone.

I share these things, both here and with him, so he knows that a) I value him and his presence so much that I miss him even when he’s under the same roof, and b) incase any other partners find this and can relate to the “should’s” of feeling grateful to have Cvid, but utterly lost and so sad that their parter is unavailable.

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I want to leave this here tonight (tonight/this early morning) but I do want to at a time in the future reflect on my husband being my chronic illness care parter and the ways in which his feelings towards the situation at all mirror mine.

Thanks for reading friends <3