Present Moment

To my Manda

I came across this photo today.

In the depth of my anticipatory grief, it felt like in a way

You were reaching out, sending me a sign

there are no coincidences, only moments we define

Stage 4 needed more,

but so did we my friend

No amount of preparation would’ve made me ready for the end

That’s the feeling that keeps getting caught in my throat,

That no matter how much time goes by, this will always be an unfinished note.

If I could call you today,

You would tell me to be relentless and in a way

We’d both know

That there’s just no way around it than to just let it go.

My body will change,

My heart will rearrange

I’ll walk through the motions but I can’t pretend

That I’m not shattered at this end.

I’ll never emotionally understand how we got here

I’ll never not feel like it’s deeply unfair

It should’ve been different,

it could’ve looked like our dreams

Instead I’m full of silent screams.

Would one more try really have hurt?

I think we both know it would’ve been an alert.

And as this door closes for good

All I wish is that I just could

Go back to that one night

Paused my fear, let go of my fright

And been fully present in the last moments I had

With the twins, with you, before all I knew was sad.

If things had been different, if you all had lived

Oh, my, there’s so much I’d give.