On Emerging

Words of the Years, 15 Years in the Making

Emerge/Emerging (verb): to appear coming out of something or out from behind something; to come to the end of a difficult period or experience.

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I started the practice of choosing a word of the year back in 2010, sitting at the black IKEA desk in the corner of my bedroom in a small apartment I shared with a craigslist roommate. During the darkest, coldest parts of a Chicago winter, I found my inspired by three bloggers, who not only seemed to write in a way like they were thinking just of me, but who also knew one another and chose to collaborate on a project for the month of December. They invited all of their followers into a community writing series called #reverb10, as in a reverberation of the year.

The very first prompt was “Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?” The idea of setting an intention, rather than a resolution, felt much more in line with where my headspace was at, and I decided to follow along, not just for that very first entry, but through several years of the #reverb project.

Starting back on that day, I want to share my words of the year, and how they led up to choosing Emerge this past December.

2011 - DREAM - “2010 reminded me that dreaming is what keeps my spirit alive and my soul warm with possibilities. It gives me something to work for, even when there might not be any other reason to find.”

2012 - COURAGE - “As I lay here full of questions and unsure what to think or feel or believe, I’m trying something different. I’m trying to look to the roots I planted for direction, for motivation, for strength. And here’s to hoping for enough light to find the outline of a path, or the courage to forge my way forward in the dark.”

2013 -BEGIN - “This new year wont allow me to leave behind all of the things I wish I could - but it will allow me to make room for new things. I will allow me to continue learning how to cope, learning to live my life around the parameters that my body has set, and it will give me permission to begin again in any space I feel is time to become anew.”

2014 - SURVIVE - "..I know things now… some days, I am a survivor. some days I can run errands and volunteer, some days I can spend hurs at Starbucks writing or replying to emails, working on projects or editing my novel. I can meet with friends and even indulge in a decaf soy gingerbread latte. But then there are other days, days where I cannot move. Days like yesterday where I am a warrior (not a victim). I cannot escape this body, my fight is NEVER over, but right now I can commit to surviving it.”

2015 - FORWARD - “I’ve spent hours and days getting lost in my own words, moved by the lyrical pursuit of feelings on paper, saddened by the tragedies that have struck, and inspired by the moments that lifted me up. Looking back at those things, re-reading those words, it’s how I find myself again. It’s how I remember. It’s how I know how to move forward.”

2016 - BELIEVE - “as we begin to unpack the boxes of our new life into carefully lined drawers, we look at each other and smile. We had to believe in a hell of a lot of things, most especially each other, in order to make it to this moment. This moment made us believe in everything more that was to come. We’d finally changed our stars.”

2017 - EXPLORE - “as we head to the Outer Banks to find a wedding venue and vendors, we’re reminded how much there is to still explore about one another, about our relationship, about the life we’re walking into together. The new shiny ring on my finger only changed one thing - it turned the arbitrary into concrete, and for that security, I’m ready to see everything through new eyes.”

2018 - HEART CAMP - In retrospect, I could not find a word chosen for the year 2018, but this is what I do remember. We kicked off the year with HeartCamp18, which irrevocably and permanently changed our lives. We remembered out love for the beach, for fighting against stigma, raising mental health awareness, and the power of words. We gained an entire framily, and we aligned on where our hearts were at, a year into trying to conceive and preparing to begin fertility treatments. We treated all of 2018 like camp for our hearts - how to hold them, have them be heard, nurture them, and make space for them - during the celebrations and the droughts, during the pain and in the echos of loss.

2019 - GRACE - “A friend asked me several weeks ago about my word for 2019, and”grace” flew out of my mouth before I’d really thought things through. Turns out, my heart was ready with it’s intention before I even realized it. As I enter what might be the biggest year of change of my life, the experience of ecoming a first time mother, I really hope to treat myself, my body and my heart with grace. I hope to face the challenges and the changes and the moments of sheer emotion with grace, patience and a kindness towards myself.”

2020 - CULTIVATE - “cultivate: to nurture and to help grow. In 2020, I’m focusing on cultivating 1. Career development and advancement (stay tuned!) 2. B’s continual growth and development (with love, patience and creativity) and 3. Myself, my marriage and my family.

2021 - INTENTIONAL - “Intentional in how I setup our new space. Intentional in what I say yes to, personally and professionally. Intentional in how I invest my time. Intentional in how I grow my business. Intentional in how I raise my daughter. Intentional in how I show up in my relationships.”

2022 - NOURISH - “my focus, my goals, and my hopes beyond anything else are to practice nourishing, primarily my body, and my soul, secondarily my family, my home, my job and my company. I’ve been in survival mode for what feels like so long now. It’s time to start pouring back into my own cup.”

2023 - LISTEN - “The truth is, I’m almost 37 years old and I have no fucking idea how to meet my body where it’s at. I can’t remember a time in my life where I listened to my body until it was screaming, or on fire, or I was at the bottom of the ocean and my lungs were full of water. This season is different. Im taking the idea of attuning very seriously. I finally chose a word for 2023 that resonates (in March)…. I’m listening.”

2024 - SURRENDER - “Going into 2024 I was in the hospital having just been diagnosed with bacterial meningitis, and I was only vaguely aware of my surroundings, an it felt very difficult to have complex, complete thoughts. I didn’t choose my word this year, it chose me. Surrender. Surrender to the medication. To the regiment. To the doctors. To the healing process - which took several silent and isolating moments of my life.”

& during the second part of the year, Surrender morphed into something else tangentially related, and Surrender became SURVIVE - “less my word of the year and more my anthem in the dark, but it was critical in my fight and my mental health treatment.”

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& Finally, on Emerging…

2025 is the time where I must emerge from the ashes. Emerge from underground. Emerge from the darkness. Emerge from enmeshment and codependency and self doubt and fear. Emerge as someone ready to reclaim her life in all the parts that she chooses, and to release what no longer feels right.

I chose this word as I thought of metamorphosis. A radical change. A shift from who I was to who I am becoming. And the becoming part - I think it’ll always be in the forefront of my mind after a lot of the trauma processing work that I’ve done.

Because without it, without constantly reaching for the word becoming, I will stop. I will stand still. I will try not to rock the boat. I won’t say too much. I won’t say enough, actually. I won’t feel my feelings in real time. I’ll give in to the thihngs that I feel powerless against, even if that feeling is only rooted in the lies my brain tells me. Without emerging, without reaching to become, there is only the version of me that was, the version that just. barely. survived.

And emerging - it requires having survived, right?

You can’t emerge if you don’t survive.

Most days I’m grateful that I stayed long enough to aggressively see 2024 out the door. My hope is that most days, I’ll be grateful that I stayed long enough to watch 2025 start to settle in, emerging in my own body, in my own heart and soul, and in what I share with the world.