Is Receiving Giving, Taking, or Both?
On my relationship with giving...
As we approach both the holiday season and an integral part in mental health treatment plan, I was challenged to think about my relationship with receiving.
Receiving…. anything - time, rides, homemade food, presents - it all makes me feel wildly uncomfortable. Like I’m getting something I don’t deserve. When it comes to actions and or physical items. I hate being the center of attention. I hate people watching my reaction. What if I don’t appear thankful enough? What if they did the thing or bought the item out of obligation?
Receiving has always felt fickle, and yet, ironically I go overboard on the giving part. My time, my energy, my love, my gifts for others. It’s how I show appreciation, how I show that I care, how I show up for my people.
So why is receiving so different?
Why can I not think about others giving (and thus my receiving) in the same tone as above?
As I sit here and think, I don’t remember any specific moment of my childhood in which receiving was painful, mocked, or disappointed someone else; and yet, I know in my bones there must be something there because this reaction didn’t just start one day, and it’s gotten stronger and more intense over time.
I think maybe it threatens this staunch sense of independence I feel like I must maintain - like if I take something from you, even if you’re offering it, a) I owe you, and b) it means it was something I couldn’t or wouldn’t do or buy for myself. And both of those messages came weaved with nearly every present I unwrapped or every gesture I accepted for as long as I can remember.
I can tell you that at my bridal shower and my baby shower, I did open gifts in front of guests (not fully my choice, but “tradition,” right?) but my husband was at my side and we shared the burden of both reaction and expression of gratitude.
Exceptions
There are a few people in this world that make receiving feel a little less painful. People who send cards and messages in the mail (physically or electronically) - that doesn’t require censoring or formulating a reaction in real time, and my response can come when I’m ready. Beyond that, there are a very few number or people who give so nonchalantly, so freely, that I know its not obligation and its literally just out of joy and wanting to see someone else so pleased or surprised. I try to accept these with grace (it’s still hard, and I’m still not great at it), but I know they are asking me to receive something special, and in turn, I don’t want to let them down.
As I write this I wonder - when did my relationship with receiving turn into a dissertation on giving? I wish I had an answer for that today, but honestly, it’s one I still have to think on.
How do you feel about receiving?