Internal Communication

5 months ago, on July 7, 2024, I fractured two bones in my left foot. These same two bones had sustained three previous fractures in the preceding 18 months, and the walking aircast and I were beyond used to putting up with one another.

3 months ago, on September 7, 2024, I blew out my left knee, rupturing my ACL, tearing my MCL, meniscus, and my Popliteus muscle. I have been in a full leg brace and on crutches since that very night.

This last week, after 22 weeks of damage to my left side, I’ve begun trying to walk without aid. It’s still extremely painful, but that is unfortunately a normal sign.

It feels foreign and uncomfortable to have two feet side by side, for them to match, and for them to try to work in asynchronicity.

This is not unlike the unimaginably difficult work I have been doing with the attempt to help my body and my mind to work together as one, especially knowing know that that fracture happened long before my memories solidified.

I was taught early and often that my body was untrustworthy, that it was harming me, that it was always going to betray me. I was taught to fear it, to blame it, to be ashamed about it, to hide it when I could.

Thirty years later, I’m being retaught that perhaps my body isn’t trying to hurt me, perhaps it’s trying to alert me that something isn’t right. That something doesn’t feel safe. That I can’t be whole and fractured at the same time.

Im trying to listen. Im trying to understand. I don’t have a lot of grace or patience for myself yet, but I know I have to take steps to get there too.

Two feet, together

Two systems, getting to know each other all over again for the first time.