I missed you today

I missed you today.

I miss you everyday but today it knocked the wind out of me.

I miss you when I think about the moments, big and small, that you’re still the one I want to call and tell.

I miss you as I get deeper into my trauma work, thinking about what a precious example you set for all of us after you lost James.

I miss you when I talk about infertility. And it hurts a little more when I think about that lunch we had in Orlando, when B was still a dream. The way you believed in me changed me, Manda.

I miss you when I think about Brooklyns newborn days, and the tenderest heart you showed up to me with. When you reminded me that I had just been birthed into a mother, and that I needed caring for just as fiercely as she did.

I miss you when I think about Florida, or Heart Camp, or the twins. When my body reminds me another month has passed, the missing feels stronger.

I miss you when my heart aches, especially when I worry that the aching will never go away.

I miss you even when it’s silent.

I missed you today out loud, with tears streaming down my cheeks, begging the universe for another sign that you’re still watching.

I need another sign, Manda.

I need you.

It isn’t fair.

I wish heaven had a phone.

#stage4deservesmore #stage4metastaticbreastcancer #mbc #heartcamp18