Four Months Later...

Reflecting on the most catastrophic injury I've experienced and how today, for the first time, the mental resistance is truly an internal fight.

Four months ago today, the nearly hidden dark grey mat was the only thing on our bathroom tile to step out of the shower onto. For nearly 4 years, we’d had the same setup, and it wasn’t ever a problem.

Four months ago today I stepped down approximately two inches away from the mat, and slipped and fell in a way that blew out my knee entirely. I ruptured my #ACL, tore my #MCL, my #Meniscus and my #popliteusmuscle, leaving my kneecap floating around, completely untethered, and me unable to walk.

An ER trip led to an Ortho visit which led to an MRI. Then there were 3 weeks of pre-surgery #physicaltherapy before having complete #aclreconstruction surgery with a cadaver ACL and a #meniscectomy on October 17th.

For 12+ weeks I was in a brace than stabilized my leg from hip to ankle and was completely dependent on a wheelchair or crutches. Today, I am out of the brace but still need the crutches periodically. Today, I am still in a decent amount of pain. Today, I am still using the continuous ice machine 1-2x per day. Today, this fiasco continues to be a major part of my life.

I never could’ve imagined on September 7th that my body would never be the same again.

This morning is physical therapy session #23 and this is the first one where my mind has met my body with resistance.

I don’t want to go.

I don’t want to have to keep pushing myself so hard.

I want this to be behind me.

I have at least a dozen more sessions already scheduled between now and March 1, in which we’ll reassess what things look like 6 months out from injury. I’ve also already been warned to expect my recovery to be nearly a year in length - based on being steroid dependent, hyper mobile, and slow to heal, and even still, it won’t be perfect.

It won’t feel like it did.

It’ll still hurt sometimes.

It’ll still crackle and pop when I bend it in certain directions.

It’ll still feel the weather changes. I can logically make sense out of all of these things, and yet, today emotionally my heart is rebelling. My mind is fighting back.

Living in this body…

Well, it’s just too hard to describe.

So, what’s next?

I suppose one foot (one crutch) in front of the other, just as I have been, until I don’t have to think so hard about movement anymore… but not knowing when that might be, it rattles me.

You all know how I feel about change. Transition. Uncertainty.

We’ve got all that and more on the table here, and it feels like at some point during the night, my blinders came off. My double down and push through blinders which were preventing me from rebelling - I’ve taken them off and put them down. Not intentionally… it just… happened.

And here I am today, wondering how long this feeling of frustration and anger will last. Wondering how I can digest the feelings and let go. How I can release the emotional pain that came with one misstep. With merely two inches of misjudgement? I can tell you I’ll be hypervigilent and conscious of my steps and movements, especially on slick ground, for the rest of my life.

And I can also tell you that our upcoming home renovation project to gut and re-do this bathroom entirely is something I could not be more grateful for - I have yet to step back into this shower since I fell, and I have never returned to trusting this bathroom after all the trauma that has occurred within it.

Today, I’ll take my internal fight and get in the car, and I’ll drive the 15 minutes to physical therapy. I’ll give it my all while I’m there, even if I’m cursing against it in my head.

I’ll come home and ice, and probably cry, and wonder how I can feel stronger when the literal limbs that support me are still too loose to rely on.

Then I’ll exhale. And I’ll remember that I’ve made it this far.

That resistance is okay.

That internal war is okay - as long as it doesn’t become the norm.

Have you ever had an injury change your life? What did it feel like four months out? Six months out? A year out? I’d really love to know.