For You, I Will...
The only way I know how to explain my why
On August 24, 2009, I started a blog with a post very similar to this…
During the past few weeks and months, I’ve been working tremendously hard to start unboxing my past; to sift through what is or who am I, and what behaviors and tendencies have been built as trauma responses.
This is certainly not because I’ve been looking to re-live or re-evaluate the events that occurred, or because for any reason I’m looking to re-assign blame, ask questions or find answers. I’m digging through the scary thoughts and places because I need to. I need to go through the past, understand it in a way that my adult brain will allow, learn how to re-regulate my nervous system, and find a way to integrate what I knew, what I know, and what I want to learn.
Somewhere towards the end of 2021, I was diagnosed with Complex-PTSD, something I couldn’t even wrap my head around for nearly another year.
In the spring of 2022, my anxiety and the coping mechanisms that had been praised for so long stoped serving me, and I didn’t know how to function. I spent the summer in a PHP program where I learned some skills, but also learned that I was still very much numb, still living in a series of trauma responses, still disembodied, and needed some additional nurturing, time and space to do the real, long acting, sustainable work.
Photo by Ümit Bulut on Unsplash
When I started this part of my journey, I was so scared of doing it alone.
How exactly do you invite other people to sit with you in your old trauma?
I live in a full house, with an extremely supportive partner, an incredible best friend, and a four year old that never ever stops talking or providing opportunities for distraction. AND, I still was terrified to open these so called boxes, to sit in my pain with the support of qualified and competent therapist who I’ve grown to trust deeply over the last two years, and then come home and be ale to close them or shelf them or manage some sort of homeostasis on my own.
And well, to come full circle to a title that might seem completely unrelated to the post at hand - my household, my family, my babies (here on earth and also in heaven), and my Manda (may her tender soul find eternal rest in peace). These are the people who have made me brave enough to dig. To face the terrifying. To try to grow through what I’ve gone through, to try to integrate the past into the present and then again into the future.
What I’ve learned this year is that the only people who REALLY know how to sit beside you in this space are people who have lived in this space, life in this space, or have worked on their past on space like this. And friends, that’s not exactly a cocktail party conversation…. “So, have you done trauma work with your therapist yet?” hahaha no.
So… the people who know what I’m really navigating make up a very short list. And that’s okay.
The biggest challenge for me? Getting outside of my head.
I tend to have entire narratives within the confines of my mind, filling in what I’m sure the other person/people would say or do, long before giving them a chance to do or say anything at all.
Maybe you have questions - what does Trauma Work look like right now for me? What is Complex PTSD? What does it feel like? How can people show up for me? What is helpful and what isn’t?
I’d like to make it easy and provide a little how to, right here.
What does Trauma Work look like right now?
Currently, this means meeting with my trauma informed, trauma experienced therapist twice a week where we have deeply intense conversations, and as a verbal processor, I’m often afforded the space, time and safety to reach conclusions and articulate them that I’ve never been given before.
What is Complex PTSD?
The Cleveland Clinic defines Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD, C-PTSD or cPTSD) as a mental health condition that can develop if you experience chronic (long-term) trauma.
I’m what you’d call a “non-traditional” patient, or someone easy to miss an important diagnosis and treatment plan, because…
I’ve experienced several single traumatic instances which have left me with acute PTSD vis a via different types of trauma
I’ve experienced several long term, ongoing traumatic scenarios which I have been unable to remove myself from, and have also been unable to control the way they continue to trigger me, even though I can finally identify that they are in fact trauma on their own.
What does C-PTSD feel like?
Again, according to Cleveland Clinic, traumatic stress responses, include
Having flashbacks or nightmares.
Avoiding situations, places and other things related to the traumatic event.
Heightened emotional responses, such as impulsivity or aggressiveness.
Persistent difficulties in sustaining relationships.
Both CPTSD and PTSD involve symptoms of psychological and behavioral stress responses, such as flashbacks, hypervigilance and efforts to avoid distressing reminders of the traumatic event(s).
People with CPTSD typically have additional symptoms, including chronic and extensive issues with:
Emotion regulation.
Identity and sense of self.
Relationships.
How can people show up for me?
I’m a big fan of the random text or voice memo. You telling me how you are because you know I want to know but maybe haven’t remembered to ask. You not taking it personally because I haven’t asked or even reached out at all. If you’re feeling up to it, asking me how therapy is going. Asking me what the heaviest thing I’m carrying is, or even if there’s anything that has brought me joy lately. Dog videos. Seriously. It might be a phase but I’m all about it. Wednesday Addams meme. Intense conversations about Succession before WayStar RoyCo implodes. Inviting yourself over to sit on my couch in pjs and watch netflix or talk or both.
What’s helpful?
The things I listed above. Offering to take Brooklyn for a few hours or even come to our house and listen to her talk for a few hours. Compassion. Gentle. Slow. Grace.
What’s not helpful?
Being a jerk. Taking anything I say or do personally. Ignoring the fact that I’m just trying to survive. Joking about suicidality, mental health, PTSD, baby loss, overdoses, fentanyl, medical trauma, being gaslit, not being taken seriously, how being a woman automatically discredits me, discussions about my weight, about growing our family, or anything else that I shut down immediately. Read the room, folks.
Publishing this feels equal parts terrifying and liberating.
Here’s my truth, friends. And I’d be willing to guess that some of what I’ve written resonates with you or someone else you know and love.
Read carefully. Love intensely. Be patient, with yourself and others. Life is f*ing hard; but there’s no other choice but to keep going one day, one hour, one minute at a time.