Decisions - Wins, Losses + Lessons
If you've ever made a decision to change, and it the outcome was... not ideal, this one's for you...
Have you ever come to a fork in the road - literally, or proverbially, and been completely unsure which direction would be right for you? I think this happens quite a bit more than we realize. If you really stop to think about it, we make a zillion choices a day, every single day, and any one of those could carry no weight, or all the weight in the world, dramatically changing the moment and/or even all of the moments afterwards. (PS - does that feel really intense to anyone else to think about?)
What about the other type of decisions?
Like, for example, when you’re walking down the path, minding your business, and you decide to stop and take off your jacket, continuing to wander around in just a teeshirt. The weather is brisk and you feel the wind against your cheeks and flowing through your hair, and you feel grateful and lucky to be outside. A few hours after you get home and you find the back of your arms and neck aching. You check the mirror and notice you’ve managed to get sunburned - even though it was a fairly chilly day. Now this walk, which was to clear your head, will linger with you for a few uncomfortable days as you apply aloe and lotion to your sunburned parts - cursing yourself silently for choosing to take off your jacket, perhaps regretting your decision, or considering it a total loss.
Now, I know these examples of choice may seem vague, but there’s a reason for that.
I made a fairly small decision yesterday that changed my regular routine, and today I’m paying for it in a way that I really don’t appreciate; and my initial mental and emotional response was that I lost. I was filled with regret. I brought it on myself.
If you don’t already know, I live with Crohn’s disease, an autoimmune disease that causes my digestive tract to literally attack itself. In order to keep my symptoms as minimal and un-intrusive as possible, I receive a biologic medication called Remicade via IV infusion every 5 weeks. I’ve been getting this same medicine, at this same dose, for almost 8 years now, and have gotten into a routine that has as small an impact on my daily life before and after as possible. This requires taking a few medications prior to my infusion to prevent side effects and to prevent my body rejecting the medication (you can learn more here if you’re interested.)
Even with this routine, the day of and the day after my infusion typically have my feeling a fatigue and a little lethargic, but it’s definitely not enough of a problem to switch medications. And, most importantly, my Crohn’s disease has been fairly well managed for the last few years, meaning I have no desire to make any changes at all in my treatment plan.
However, I began to wonder about the pre-meds I take - Tylenol (for aches and pains), Benadryl (to prevent an allergic reaction) and Solumedrol (a steroid dose to prevent headaches and flue like symptom side effects). While these medications have helped me to maintain my routine, there are some side effects that are unpleasant - specifically the significant uptick in anxiety for nearly 48 hours after taking the steroid medication.
At my last infusion, five weeks ago, I asked my nurse if I could skip the steroid. She said it was up to me - that I might have a headache or other side effects from Remicade, but I also might be fine. I chose here to deviate from my routine, and did not take the steroid. I was also so lucky in the fact that I did not experience any additional side effects from Remicade in the days following my infusion. This decision felt like a win!
Yesterday’s experience went way differently.
I made the same decision yesterday as I had five weeks ago, I declined the steroid premedication prior to Remicade. However, I woke up during the night, approximately 12 hours after my infusion finished, with a splitting headache and body aches that rival the flu. I took all of my emergency/as needed medications, and tried hard to go back to sleep, but didn’t have much luck.
Today I feel a little like a truck ran me over.
Don’t worry - I won’t choose to skip the steroid again. Obviously my body finds it fairly important.
But, what I do find myself thinking about is the decision making process, along with wins, losses, regrets and lessons.
At first this morning I kept feeling like I made the wrong decision. I made a mistake. Skipping something that’s been a part of my medical routine for nearly eight years just to see if I could stop using it - I felt regret. Like, I should’ve left well enough alone.
But then I looked at it through my trauma processing lens and saw something different.
If I hadn’t tried to skip the steroid, I wouldn’t know that I absolutely need it. Kind of like the jacket, in the brisk weather, which didn’t just protect from the wind, but also secondarily from the sun. The steroid medication I take doesn’t just prevent a reaction to the medication, but it protects my health and well being the next day. Sure, there are side effects - namely anxiety, which will have to continue to be managed using coping strategies and when necessary, medication to counteract it, but maybe this wasn’t just a loss.
It was a choice, within my control.
Maybe it wasn’t a loss at all. Maybe it was just a lesson.
Four weeks ago, I wouldn’t have been able to feel this way. I would’ve spent all the hours I’m awake today beating myself up internally, regretting my choice, feeling angry with and sorry for myself. But today, I can recognize that it is what it is. That in it’s truest form, every decision has room for a lesson, if you look hard enough and/or want to see it. And that felt important to write about this morning.
How does your decision making process + reflection on results compare to mine? I’d love to know if you’re open to sharing.