Anger: The Emotion I Don’t Know
There are six primary emotions - anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise.
I understand disgust.
I live with fear.
I’ve experienced happiness.
I’ve traveled far with sadness.
& I strongly dislike surprise.
But then there’s anger.
I don’t know what to do with anger.
We’ve been tangentially connected for quite some time now, and to be honest, I’ve hid from any introductions or chances to get better acquainted. I tried ignorance. I tried dismissal. I tried flat out lying. It turns out, I’ve been burying anger for a long time now - I just forgot to notice it.
It only even comes up in conversation when the grave is nearly full, when there’s not room for hardly anything else, my patience wears thin and I find myself in need of a dumping ground.
A wreck it room.
In the past, an intense workout or an hour on the ice.
Driving and yelling song lyrics at the top of my lungs.
A raging, raised voice “conversation” with anyone who was willing to get angry with me. Anyone who was willing to be angry that I was angry.
Anger feels too scary to face alone.
Too big to conquer without a plan.
Too serious to invade and never exit.
Anger has become my Achilles tendon.
I don’t know what to do with my anger.
I don’t know what to do with the stifling frustration that threatens to suffocate me after it’s gone 10 invisible rounds with anger inside of my body. I don’t know how to release those feelings. I don’t know how to let go... and I don’t know what goes in its place once it’s temporarily gone.
I suppose this is the time that anger and I start the toe to toe match, the dance in which we each take swings. I know I get defensive. Protective. Shut down. I know sometimes I feel ashamed.
Why?
Because anger was never safely modeled to me or for me growing up. It was volatile - slamming of doors and cabinets and hands on the counters. It involved yelling and screaming and even sometimes hiding.
Anger got the bad rap, the emotion that makes people you love unrecognizable.
Today - I could easily make a list of things I’m angry about. Of anger that I’ve tucked away deep inside. And maybe in another place, on another piece of paper, I will.
But I can tell you that list is going to push me to rage. It’s going to manifest in an outward expression of frustration and sadness and grief, of loss and hurt and harm. It’s going to cause my fists to close tightly and my jaw to clench and I’m going to raise my voice - but to whom? About what? When? And where?
How do I process anger like the other emotions?
How do I release the grip it’s got on me?
How do I find a healthy way to feel anger and then to fucking let it go?
That’s the question now, isn’t it?
