A New Sensitivity

On the intimate nature of 8 years of infertility, IVF, miscarriages, neonatal death, ectopic pregnancy + the excruciatingly difficult decision of a medically necessary hysterectomy.

There’s a whole new sensitivity 
I’ve begun to feel; 
I hope it is just short term 
while I continue to heal. 
IVF, babies, those lost & those alive 
When so many fail internally to thrive. 
As I approach the removal, 
the brutal goodbye,
My heart aches and I just seem to cry. 

For what I lost in insurmountable ways 
For what I remember about so many days 
For the ways it changed me, taught me, wrecked me, 
broke me open & left me for dead 
There’s absolutely an understanding of why 
I can’t get out of my head. 

I don’t want to do this, but I know 
it’s the right choice 
I’m just hoping it gives me back my voice 
My ability to share, to advocate, to connect
To know my body better, and more of what to expect.

Over and over and over again I tried
To fight, to help, to beg a body that lied. 
I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling the ache
I just hope I can grow around it, 
for everyone’s sake.