A Full Circle Story

Treatments First For My Empty Womb, Then For My Shattered Heart - A poem on the repercussions of infertility, IVF, pregnancy loss & recovering from severe postpartum depression.

“At The Beginning With You”

I desperately wanted a baby, a dream I'd grown up holding so damn tight, 
Yet after years of trying, the "spontaneous" path ahead became void of all light. 
"Unexplained Infertility" knocked, unbidden, unkind, 
"You'll need the help of technology" - A battle of body, of heart, of mind. 
If only I'd been listened to twenty years ago, 
The word "Endometriosis" wouldn't have been such a delayed blow. 
This whole story could've been different had we known more,
I'm immensely angry - at the silence, the losses, the years stolen before. 

Instead, we faced doctors’ words, sharp as glass,
We found ourselves faded into hopeful starts that failed to last.
Insurance required futile attempts at IUI with each cycle anew,
Four times I tried, four times it failed, four times we knew…
This road would be longer and harder than we'd ever planed, 
Our hopes for the future grasped with trembling hands.
In 2018, it became clear that IVF was the only choice we could name,
We publicly shared the story that we were living, 
knowing speaking out could shatter the silence and the shame.  

Hormones raged, injections burned,
A body bruised, so much learned.
Scans and numbers, highs and lows,
Fragile dreams that ebbed and flowed.
IVF - a test of will
Yet love and longing guided me still. 
To want a child and not conceive,
Is a grief no heart can easily leave.

“These Are the Best Days of Our Lives”

Finally my daughter came, my miracle bright,
Thirty-five weeks, a breath, a fight
Her tiny hands, her sleepy sighs,
A love so deep, it filled the skies.
Through weary nights and hopeful dawn
My heart knew then, she was my song.
Her first cry, a whispered start,
Forever etched upon my heart. 

The nights were long, the days a blur,
Our whole world remade because of her.
Through weary eyes, my heart could see
She was the piece that completed me. 
Her steady breath, a soothing sound
In my embrace, a rhythm she found. 
Through every moment, each fleeting start, 
She carved her home within my heart. 

“Heartbreak Anniversary”

And then again, I tried, this time juggling motherhood 
And IVF once (twice, three times) more 
With a baby in my arms, yet dreams still sore. 
Late-night feeds and morning shots, 
Hope rekindled, though battle wrought. 
Embryos made, then lost in time,
Each one cherished, each one mine. 
The weight of hope, the toll it takes
I tried desperately to have a heart that bent but never breaks. 

With losses mounting and pain exposed 
I carried the weight of dreams foreclosed. 
We did this dance too many times - 
Cancellations, procedures, losses, even a list of crimes. 
My body was decimated, but my persistence was strong
My heart held onto hope for so damn long. 
A sibling, a playmate, another to call me mommy
Three almosts - and a nearly fatal tsunami. 

I carried the twins for a whole trimester
Dreaming of life, of love, of forever. 
But hope unraveled, thread by thread
Two tiny souls, now angels instead. 
When I finally believed that I could think about closing the door 
Two pink lines appeared - a miracle, I thought? I dared to hope once more. 
But instantly joy turned to pain and my world fell apart, 
A heartbeat, a rupture, then silence... then dark. 

That surgery healed what time could not,
Yet grief remained, a complicated, messy, tangled knot.
The loss was ever present, nothing dulled the ache,
I struggled to admit that my heart was left shattered in its wake.
The days felt heavy, cold, and gray,
As postpartum stole me away.
Yet through the fog, I longed to see,
A path back home, a way to me.

“Sifting Through These Ashes”

Through the shadows I sought relief,
An unconventional treatment offered a fragile belief.
Ketamine was a choice, a risk, a desperate plea,
To quiet the profound grief that lived inside of me.
Memories surfaced, old, new, unseen
Pieces of loss and everything in between. 
I learned to sit, to feel, to stay,
To let my pain not pull me away.

To speak my truth, to ask for aid,
To know my strength will never fade.
Now I stand, not healed, not whole,
But holding onto what I know.
That choice is impossible, but courage is near,
I see parts of me again, I am still here.